Your mama has depression.

Dear Arlandria,

This post has been a long time coming. It's something that I needed to write about, but wasn't sure I had the proper words. Granted, it will be mentioned often as you get older, because it's probably one of the top five things I am passionate about.

Your mama has depression.

While I was diagnosed in my late teens, I know it is something I've carried with me since childhood. There's a lot of stigma and myths surrounding it, and I will always be the one to shut those down. Mental illness is something physical, much like back pain, or the common cold. It isn't caused by your eating habits, or lack of exercise, and it most certainly isn't a spiritual attack on the mind. Depression is a chemical imbalance, and something you cannot heal through positive thinking, yoga, or exercise alone (these things help, but they aren't a cure-all).

I remember as a child waking up some mornings feeling like a dark cloud was hanging over me. I remember feeling knots in my stomach, and the overwhelming feeling that something bad was going to happen. As I grew older, these feelings developed into thoughts of hopelessness and feeling like everything was meaningless. It wasn't until I was 19 that I went to a doctor and explained everything I was feeling.

3.18.18

Dear Arlandria,

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote you. You're beginning to focus more. Your hands are grasping toys and fingers with a renewed vigor. Your first tooth is struggling to break free of your gums. You are learning there is so much more to food than just formula.

It's amazing watching you grow.

I often find myself thinking about the trials you are going to face as you grow. Trials of being a school-age kid, learning how to trust the adults around you, learning which adults to trust around you. Kids with all their multitude of backgrounds and appearances. Loving those people for who they are and loving yourself for who you are.

And that's where I wanted to focus on. You are a woman. That means you are going to have a lot of challenges that Daddy has no solutions for. People are going to demand you are publicly attractive. They're going to demand that you speak quieter and more respectfully. They're going to demand that you get married, have kids, and don't focus too much on school or education.

It's going to be easy to get drug down by that. And when you do I'm worried you are going to be faced with the challenge of Depression.