Arlandria's Birth Story: Part 2

By the time I entered the operating room, I was completely nerves and shaking. Everyone was moving so fast and I wanted to just press pause for a few minutes. I was about to be a mom, and it still didn't feel real.
Unfortunately, Jeff wasn't able to be in the room with me when I received my spinal epidural--which was the exact thing I was the most nervous about. Luckily it didn't hurt very much at all. I had been reading horror stories on discussion boards about how bad it can be (big mistake). So I was expecting the worst pain possible. Either I had a rockstar anesthesiologist or a high pain tolerance, but regardless it only felt as bad as getting one of my tattoos.
The medicine began to kick in, and I was not expecting it to feel numb up to my chest. I starting panicking thinking that they messed up and I was going to stop breathing. Turns out I am a bit dramatic and after some oxygen I was fine.

Jeff was able to come in shortly afterwards, which calmed my nerves immediately. It felt like seconds later Jeff looked at me and goes "They are cutting you open! Can you feel it?" Nope. I didn't feel a thing. I don't remember much after this, except that I kept telling Jeff to not take blurry pictures. He has a bad tendency to take blurry photos, and I was SUPER stressed about it. 

My doctor is one of those people that go a million miles a second. He also exudes coolness without trying; like European sports car and drinks pretentious beer type of cool. I'm not sure how he does it, but I'm fairly certain he runs on cocaine and an espresso IV drip. In the operating room he had music playing the whole time--it was mostly a playlist of adult contemporary. Eric Clapton started playing and I was like "Really? You are a Clapton guy? You are really going to pull my child out to a Clapton song? That's the first thing she's going to hear?" I don't think he appreciated my critiques. Thankfully the song changed before she was born! 

I remember looking up at the ceiling when I heard her cry for the first time. John Mayer was playing, and I found it to be an acceptable first song. I remember locking eyes with Jeff and immediately crying. Jeff kept telling me over and over how beautiful she was. My doctor let me peek at her over the curtain, then she was whisked away to be cleaned up, measured, and weighed. Jeff followed her to the nursery while they sewed me up. 

A few minutes later he brought her out and I got to see her for the first time. "Hello my sweet princess," I said as I kissed her cheek. Inwardly I cringed that this was what I chose to say to her for the first time, and worried that I was already enforcing a patriarchal concept of being dainty and helpless (these are things I think about when I'm having a baby, okay!?).  

Arlie was perfect in every single way possible. She was red and puffy, but I still thought she was the most beautiful thing ever. Afterwards, she and I both had plummeting blood sugar issues, which made breastfeeding and recovery a little tedious. But over all it was such a gentle and peaceful recovery time. 

Looking back I am so thankful that I continued to put my trust in the Lord. I'm not sure I could have handled it otherwise. Nothing went like I expected it to, but in the end it was perfect. Giving birth to Arlie taught me so many lessons, most important is that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for, and that love can carry you through even the hardest of times. 

1.4.17

Dear Arlandria,

Yesterday you got your two month shots! Those vaccines are going to trigger your immune system for mostly the first time, and that’s going to mean you will not have to worry about things like Polio, Chicken Pox, etc., for the rest of your entire life.

It also means that you felt pain somewhere on your body for more or less the first time in your entire newborn life. And I hear that the scream you let out was more or less earth shattering for your Mom, who cried while watching you experience that pain.

Arlie's Birth Story Pt. 1

Holy heck. Two months have almost passed since my Arlie girl was born! While I will save writing about her for her two-month post, I want to document her birth story because I barely remember it even now. Those four days were a blur of emotion, naps, pain, and lots of tears (good and bad). I was always told to be flexible when it came to having a birth plan, but I had no idea how flexible I needed to be!

2017: The Year of Trust

This year was a year of so much growth for me. It was hands down the best year of my life. Looking back, I see one word that summarizes it all so well: trust. 

I learned to trust my husband. I learned to trust him with our daughter. I learned to trust him in our marriage. I'm still learning to trust him in even the littlest things. For so long I was single and handled problems on my own. I didn't trust many people because I had been let down over and over again. So entering into a marriage where my decisions and actions don't just involve me took a bit of a learning curve. It's not that I distrust him in every choice, its more that I've learned to rely on myself and not turn to another to help carry the burden. So now I'm teaching myself daily to ask for help, to lean on him when things are tough. To hand over my baby when she is driving my crazy, because he is just as much of a parent as I am, and does a great job to boot. 

I learned to trust God. Over, and over, and over again. Daily in my pregnancy I was plagued with anxiety and depression. I worried that I would miscarry. I worried I wasn't taking care of myself well enough. I worried that I would be a horrible mother. Daily I had to lay down my fears and trust that God was in control. There were many instances where everything just went wrong. It was then that I had to trust him the most. Even when Arlandria was born, I had to trust him that she would sleep safely during the night. The first week of her life I would repeat bible verses to myself as I fell asleep, because otherwise I would start hyperventilating and cry. 

I learned to trust myself. There were weeks in my pregnancy where I was so, so sick. I found myself in the hospital twice because of pregnancy related issues, and I felt like I was failing my baby before she was even born. Later after she was born, postpartum hit me hard, and I worried that "they" would take her away from me because I wasn't doing a good job. I learned that my mind and body can deceive me, and that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I went through horrible seasons of pain growing Arlie, and yet I survived. I carried a healthy baby to full term. I gave birth to her with no serious complications. I walked into motherhood with such natural grace that it even surprised me. Once the postpartum anxiety and blues subsided, I find myself becoming a rockstar mother. I found myself doing such hard things that I never thought possible, and I am so proud. 

Overall I don't regret this year one bit. While 2017 while a dumpster fire on a global scale, it was one of the most beautiful years for me personally. Thank you 2017, thank you for giving me lessons by the handfuls. I cannot wait to see what 2018 has in store.