Dear Arlandria,
A lot has changed since the last time I wrote you. You're beginning to focus more. Your hands are grasping toys and fingers with a renewed vigor. Your first tooth is struggling to break free of your gums. You are learning there is so much more to food than just formula.
It's amazing watching you grow.
I often find myself thinking about the trials you are going to face as you grow. Trials of being a school-age kid, learning how to trust the adults around you, learning which adults to trust around you. Kids with all their multitude of backgrounds and appearances. Loving those people for who they are and loving yourself for who you are.
And that's where I wanted to focus on. You are a woman. That means you are going to have a lot of challenges that Daddy has no solutions for. People are going to demand you are publicly attractive. They're going to demand that you speak quieter and more respectfully. They're going to demand that you get married, have kids, and don't focus too much on school or education.
It's going to be easy to get drug down by that. And when you do I'm worried you are going to be faced with the challenge of Depression.
Both Mommy and I have depression. That means it may be more likely for you to develop it during your life time.
What that means is that you are going to have bad days.
Mommy has her own stories to tell you. I have never considered suicide but I've had moments. Once in particular, I was driving on the highway and it curved around an open ravine where you could easily drive your car off into the trees and off a pretty steep dive. I imagined driving off of it. And it went beyond the regular sort of recognition that "oh hey, I could totally kill myself," it was almost paralyzing. I could hear the noise of the car as it smashed and rolled. For a moment I imagined the oblivion of death. I imagined it until I turned the car and continued on.
I made it where I was going, but a little piece of me didn't keep going. And that little piece made me consider more seriously getting outside help for my problems.
My depression is caused by two things: 1. Ambition, I want to be considered very good at the things I do. 2. Procrastination, I'm kind of lazy and I get in my own way. This creates a bad cycle where I exacerbate my ambitions. I want to write two novels a year, but after three good days, I get bored, I don't want to keep going. And I realized that this cycle was not only a cause but result of being very depressed for a long time. It was the cause and result of feeling useless.
I have felt useless on many occasions in my life. For two years Mommy worked full-time before I found anything that I could call a full-time career opportunity. And open secret, Daddy had to get used to thinking of himself in that career. It was two years of heartbreak on top of heartbreak - unwritten novels, unpaid credit cards, financial crisis and irresponsibility, a lot of eating out, more than one drunk night wishing that I could just pop the book out of my head fully formed and make the millions of dollars I knew were waiting for me.
I did not get better until I began taking anti-depressants. I tried counselors. I tried being more mindful. But at the end of the day I was deep in the hole before I started. I may not need to take them my whole life, but for right now I do, and I'm proud to say I finally found a solution to my problems.
You are going to have to believe in yourself. Sometimes you're going to have to do it alone and sometimes you are going to have to scrounge up people that do believe in you.
You will always be the funny, smart, awesome girl that Mommy gave birth to. The same girl who fell asleep so sweetly on Daddy's chest the eighteenth hour you were alive and for many Sundays after that. You will be the avatar of your own creation. You are going to be anything you want to be and I support you being everything and more.
Because sometimes no matter how much you believe in yourself, you're going to find your faith lacking. You're going to wonder if you've made the right decision, you're going to wonder if you should've had three glasses of wine instead of four, you're going to wonder if the career you choose is the best, you're going to wonder if your partner is the right one for you, you're going to wonder if any of the adults in your life actually understand or know what is happening in our world of existence and whether we are divine creation or cosmic accidents.
And any of those things and so, so much more can get you were I was.
You can battle your depression. Take mental health days. Accept that you don't have to make progress towards everything or everyone everyday, or week, or month. Accept that you won't always make the best decisions for yourself. Make a good friend you can talk too, hell make more than one. Visit counselors when you need to. And if you need to take an anti-depressant, anxiety. Something that will do more to help than to hurt.
Don't escape to drugs or alcohol. Those are not only dangerous to use, but being depressed makes them almost an inescapable trap. They won't help you. They won't make your problems go away.
And even worse they can be the catalyst that ends your life.
You have one life. And it is entirely capable of being a beautiful one. Perhaps you will never deal with any of these problems. Perhaps you will be a smart and healthy girl for your entire life. But even if that's the case, I want you to know, that it's perfectly okay to cry. It's okay to tell Mom and Dad what your problems are, especially if they are problems with us.
You have one life. You have one body. They deserve your respect and we are willing to help you with that. And you should be willing to help yourself with that.
Love,
Dad
