Your mama has depression.

Dear Arlandria,

This post has been a long time coming. It's something that I needed to write about, but wasn't sure I had the proper words. Granted, it will be mentioned often as you get older, because it's probably one of the top five things I am passionate about.

Your mama has depression.

While I was diagnosed in my late teens, I know it is something I've carried with me since childhood. There's a lot of stigma and myths surrounding it, and I will always be the one to shut those down. Mental illness is something physical, much like back pain, or the common cold. It isn't caused by your eating habits, or lack of exercise, and it most certainly isn't a spiritual attack on the mind. Depression is a chemical imbalance, and something you cannot heal through positive thinking, yoga, or exercise alone (these things help, but they aren't a cure-all).

I remember as a child waking up some mornings feeling like a dark cloud was hanging over me. I remember feeling knots in my stomach, and the overwhelming feeling that something bad was going to happen. As I grew older, these feelings developed into thoughts of hopelessness and feeling like everything was meaningless. It wasn't until I was 19 that I went to a doctor and explained everything I was feeling.

Since then I have been on a variety of medications, attended therapy, and even hospital treatment when I was 24. These are things I am no longer ashamed of, because they were all steps I needed to take in order to get better. Am I better? No. I don't think I will ever be 100% healed, but it's something I've come to accept. Sometimes life throws burdens your way that you learn to carry and not demolish. Burdens oftentimes never weaken you, but make you stronger instead. That's what depression has done for me.

Arlie girl, I am here to tell you I am so much stronger because of my weakness. Having depression has allowed me to truly be outspoken about mental health. It's something that is desperately needed in our society. I write openly about my struggles because it might help someone else who doesn't yet have the strength to speak up. Too often we are surrounded by small people with big opinions regarding mental health.

Having depression has made me be a champion for my own well being. For a long time throughout my twenties, I would give and give everything of myself to others--so much so that I would become hollow in return. I didn't practice self-care and I didn't know where to place healthy boundaries that protected me in the long run. Practicing self-care isn't always easy, but it is so important. It means that I have to pace out social outings, know when to say no, and know when to say yes (even if I don't feel like it).

Depression has made me become more aware of your own growth. Earlier this summer I struggled with a major low swing of depression. It got bad enough that your grandma had to come up from OKC and help take care of you. I felt guilty that I lacked the stamina to be able to care for you alone. I cried because I felt so lost in the grayness that I lost precious time watching you grow. You grow so fast these days that I feel like I blink and you are doing something new.

Despite all this, I took the time I needed to rest and heal. I allowed myself space to stop feeling guilty. I gave myself compassion. These weren't things I was immediately aware that I needed to do. Instead they came as gentle reminders from your Dad and other loved ones. Ultimately you were the one that pulled me out of fog. Your giggles and coos always save me in the end. You are the reason I've overcome so many obstacles, and your existence will continue to be the reason I am willing to go to war over and over again.

I guess I am telling you all this because, much to my pain, I know you will probably fight some form of mental illness too. It's genetic and runs in my family, and your Dad struggles with it too at times. While my heart breaks that you potentially battle this too, I want you to know that I will always be on your side. If you are having a day where nothing seems to make sense, I'll be there to remind you that there will be better days. I will teach you to practice self-care, and how to know when you need a break.

Surround yourself with good people. People that will step in when you've lost your song. Know when to give yourself compassion and grace. And lastly, know that everything is temporary, and no battle is unbeatable. Your life is precious to me, and so many others.

Love,
Your Mother