Dear Arlandria,
When I first became pregnant with you, people had A LOT of opinions. What doctor I should see. What hospital I should deliver at. Was I going to breastfeed? Was I going to co-sleep? It was overwhelming. It felt like people would congratulate me, then immediately give a piece of unwanted advice. While your dad and I heard a lot, the one we heard the most was, "get ready, your life is about to be over."
It was one that stuck with me for the majority of my pregnancy. It was something I battled inwardly for a long time. In fact, I even wrote about it in a letter to you before you were born. It felt like people expected me to lose my entire identity as I took on the role of mother. To make matters worse, I saw a lot of women do that very thing. I saw face truckloads of mom guilt when they practiced the tiniest bit of self care. I saw them brush off personal needs and wants.
I was told how my life was now over, how kids were a priority and nothing else mattered.
Now that we've announced the pregnancy of your younger sibling, people have even more opinions. It's been harder this time around. Rather than exclamations of joy, we get raised eyebrows and the phrase, "Two under two? You must be crazy."
Perhaps we are crazy. But it isn't something we really wanted to hear. Those closest to us were excited, albeit surprised. Your grandparents on both sides have always been so supportive. But many others have felt the need to give us warnings about how life with two kids is a game ending play.
"Get ready, your marriage is basically over."
"Two kids means you will have no time whatsoever."
Again and again your dad and I both have been told that life is going to be hard. And yes, we agree that it will be hard. But we aren't worried. I spent my entire pregnancy with you worried that I would lose myself to motherhood, but now I see it so differently.
In the past nine months of being your mother, I have taken on motherhood and made it part of my identity. What I haven't done is make you my whole identity. Before you were born I was scared I would have no time for my hobbies, my passions. Looking back, I see that I had nothing to be scared of. In the past nine months I've maintained my love for writing by keeping up this blog. I've continued to read and have read 47 books this year. I also have made new friends and make time for myself often.
I realize that my life is so much sweeter now, and it's because of you. You made me take a hard inward look at myself and what I wanted out of life. While I wanted to be a mother, I also wanted to be many other things. I wanted you to grow up seeing a mother that was strong, active, and alive. I wanted you to see that I had filled my life with a variety of things and people that I loved besides just you and your Dad.
Your presence has made your Dad and I grow closer, too. We now make time for each other a priority, and something we never take for granted. We realize that loving each other is something to treasure, and is an extension of loving you.
You've made us better at managing money. Now we track, save, and make less careless purchases. We are by no means perfect at this. But we are much better than we were before you were here.
I think that I've realized how important it is to have various categories in my life, and not just one. It is important to cultivate each one with attention and care. You have made me realize how much richer my life can be, and I will never stop thanking you for that.
So now that we are the "crazy ones" with two kids under two, I am no longer afraid. I refuse to spend my pregnancy worrying over something that probably won't be true. Perhaps I am a bit naive, but I'd like to think that the things we make a priority won't change, but rather morph and grow. Life wasn't over when you came. My identity wasn't tied down with your arrival. By making me a mother of two, I will continue to blossom and grow.
Love,
Your Mother
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