Dear Arlandria,
The past few months I've been working hard on getting my diabetes under control. It wasn't out of control, but when I was pregnant with you I had to take many different medications to keep it in check. Now it is easier to control with diet and exercise, and I've actually been quite successful.
I've been posting my weight loss log on social media, as an attempt at accountability. I am proud of the changes I've made in my life, and it's exciting to share with others.
I've mentioned it to several people that I am eating healthier and exercising, and one person commented to me "make sure you take a before photo!" I realize that the comment was made as encouragement and had no ill intent, but it still bothered me. It's taken me about two months to process my feelings on the issue, and I feel like you are the best person to share my feelings with. Because I don't want this for you, so let me explain.
I am not losing weight because I want to look skinner. I am losing weight because I want to have better control over my blood sugar. If I could stay fat and have good sugars, I would. I like my body, and on most days, I like what I see in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with confidence and fighting off social expectations. I worry what others think if I get seconds at dinner, or wear something sleeveless. It's a daily battle for any fat person. Despite this, I refuse to consider my current body as a "before photo". It's my body and I love it. It grew and carried you for nine months. It has seen me through some of the best and worst moments of my life.
Growing up I remember spending countless hours writing in my journals about desiring to lose weight. I grew up thinking that if I were skinner I would be more liked, have better grades, a better life, etc. I thought my life would dramatically change if I would just be a few pounds lighter.
Looking back, I see photos of myself and see a beautiful girl. She was perfect, full stop. There was not a damn thing wrong with my body, yet I still found imperfections, flaws, things that needed to be changed.
As an adult, I've struggled with my weight. I have a few health issues that make it really easy to gain weight, and super difficult to lose it. I also struggled with my reasons to lose weight. It was only a few years ago that I learned to love my body regardless of its size. I learned to love myself for my talents, my passions, my heart. This year is actually the first time I've tried to lose weight simply for my heath, and not because of my size.
Our culture fixates on the outward appearance. Society tells you that being skinny is equal to being healthy, being successful, and being beautiful. If you have a thin body then everyone will like you. If you are skinny you will get the perfect boyfriend, the perfect job, the perfect friends.
I'm here to tell you that this is bullshit.
There is nothing "wrong" with the size of my body. My body is beautiful just the way it is. I want you to know that I will love you, whatever size you choose to be. To me, your body will never be a "before" photo. I want you to be loved. I want you to be successful. I want you to be healthy. I want you to be creative, brave, adventurous, and wild. I want you to know that you can be ALL of these things with a fat and curvy body, or thin and toned. Your body is your own, and you are the only one who gets to have an opinion over it.
I'm crying as I type this, because I don't ever want you to live in a world where you are shamed because of the way you look. I don't ever want you to look into a mirror and hate what you see. When you walk into a room I never want you to hide yourself in the back, because darling, you belong front and center.
So Arlie, screw the haters that prescribe ridiculous beauty standards for you to achieve. Choose your own goals, wether it is to write a book, run a marathon, or simply put as much good into the world as you can. Whatever you choose to do, I will also be here cheering you on.
Know you are beautiful and loved,
Your Mother
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