Dear Arlandria,
Tonight as I held you close and gave you goodnight kisses, I realized that it would be the last time I kissed you before you turned one. To you, it was a normal night and our typical bedtime routine. To me, it was the closing of a chapter and I felt like I was sending you off to college. I realize this sounds dramatic, but it's so true. Little one, you have given me the most beautiful year of my life, and I will never stop thanking you for it. You are my proudest accomplishment, and for my greatest achievement in life.
This year we faced trials together, as we battled reflux, colds, tummy viruses, teething, and so much more. You've caused me to grow up and let go of many things that made me selfish. You've taught me to practice self care, because if I don't take care of myself I cannot take care of you. I've gotten more thoughtful and intentional with my spending habits, and house chores.
While I've become a better person because of you, I've also failed you more times than I can count. I've realized that I will never be a perfect parent. While I do spend more hours than I care to admit worrying over if I am good enough, I realize that I will still fail you. I will continue to disappoint you, as I have many times before. I'm human and flawed, it's going to happen. I remember before you were born that I worried about not being good enough for you, not being able to be everything you need.
Looking back I see the spots where I wasn't able to be everything you needed. But you know what? Someone else was able to step in and be the thing that you needed--and that is okay. Some days you wanted nothing but your dad. You wanted to play and roughhouse in ways that only he offers. Some days I was sick and exhausted from being pregnant with your sister, and I couldn't give you everything you needed. Despite this I can confidently say that you never were in want or in need of anything. While I wasn't the one providing for you all the time, someone was at all times.
And that is my birthday wish for you this year. I hope that you will choose to surround yourself with good people in your life. People that meet your needs and pour into you. I hope you find people that you are also able to love, care for, and nurture in return. I hope you are inspired and challenged. I hope you grow and are pushed to become more than you are.
I realize there will come a day where we probably won't be close, and you will choose others over me, because you will be 13 and I will not be able to understand you no matter how hard I try. We will speak different languages despite the fact that you lived inside me for nine months and I studied your syntax so ardently. There will be a temporary barrier between us, and you will choose to turn to others for guidance and comfort. When that day comes I hope you have the ability to discern between those that seek to help you grow, and those that seek to tear you down.
While I won't be able to be there and give you all that you need, I hope you have people that will. I hope that you find people that make you dream big and never settle for less. And when the world does fail you, because it will, I promise I will always be here. I will always want to pour into you and love you when you need it the most. I promise to always try to listen, even when I can't understand.
You are meant for the stars, little one, so please never settle for looking at the things on the ground.
Happy first birthday, my darling.
Love,
Your mother.
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