2017: The Year of Trust

This year was a year of so much growth for me. It was hands down the best year of my life. Looking back, I see one word that summarizes it all so well: trust. 

I learned to trust my husband. I learned to trust him with our daughter. I learned to trust him in our marriage. I'm still learning to trust him in even the littlest things. For so long I was single and handled problems on my own. I didn't trust many people because I had been let down over and over again. So entering into a marriage where my decisions and actions don't just involve me took a bit of a learning curve. It's not that I distrust him in every choice, its more that I've learned to rely on myself and not turn to another to help carry the burden. So now I'm teaching myself daily to ask for help, to lean on him when things are tough. To hand over my baby when she is driving my crazy, because he is just as much of a parent as I am, and does a great job to boot. 

I learned to trust God. Over, and over, and over again. Daily in my pregnancy I was plagued with anxiety and depression. I worried that I would miscarry. I worried I wasn't taking care of myself well enough. I worried that I would be a horrible mother. Daily I had to lay down my fears and trust that God was in control. There were many instances where everything just went wrong. It was then that I had to trust him the most. Even when Arlandria was born, I had to trust him that she would sleep safely during the night. The first week of her life I would repeat bible verses to myself as I fell asleep, because otherwise I would start hyperventilating and cry. 

I learned to trust myself. There were weeks in my pregnancy where I was so, so sick. I found myself in the hospital twice because of pregnancy related issues, and I felt like I was failing my baby before she was even born. Later after she was born, postpartum hit me hard, and I worried that "they" would take her away from me because I wasn't doing a good job. I learned that my mind and body can deceive me, and that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I went through horrible seasons of pain growing Arlie, and yet I survived. I carried a healthy baby to full term. I gave birth to her with no serious complications. I walked into motherhood with such natural grace that it even surprised me. Once the postpartum anxiety and blues subsided, I find myself becoming a rockstar mother. I found myself doing such hard things that I never thought possible, and I am so proud. 

Overall I don't regret this year one bit. While 2017 while a dumpster fire on a global scale, it was one of the most beautiful years for me personally. Thank you 2017, thank you for giving me lessons by the handfuls. I cannot wait to see what 2018 has in store.