genuineness

My shining stars, 

It's nearly been two years since we've updated this blog. Twenty-three months to be exact. I feel like we've lived twenty-three different lives in that time. I suppose that is part of the reason I've come back to write. 

Tonight I was giving you both bedtime snuggles and it occurred to me that there will be a day when you will no longer ask for one more drink of water, one last snuggle, or a goodnight hug. There will be a time when I look back on this haze of childhood and miss it. Sometimes I find myself missing it already. 

It is very easy to get caught up in the hurriedness of monotony.  I wake up to take Arlie to school. I work to be able to make dinner. I check social media enough to make it till bedtime. Life has become a series of dance steps that I do not remember learning; a parade that only celebrates the blur of the everyday. It isn't something that aligns with values that I strive to live by. 

This autumn has been a season of healing for me. I've spent countless hours walking outside, reading books on healing, and journaling page after page until the pain inside began to make sense. I've been taking inventory inside my heart, dusting off the shelves of hurt and mistakes that I've long ignored. I'm learning that healing is a continuous practice and something that you will never quite master. Through it all you two have been my reason for healing. I have healed in hopes that you don't have to hurt in the same ways I have. I can't protect you from all the hurt the world will through at you, but I definitely can teach you how to heal from it. 

This summer, I, for a lack of better words, fell apart. In June, my life came to a screeching halt and I had to drop all the plates I had been juggling for so long. I began to experience what I was later told were severe panic attacks. Short middle of the night terrors quickly became long summer days of tears, fear, and deep-seated anxiety. Life no longer made sense, and all the color in my world faded to dark grays. There were days I thought I lost my right to be your mother, to be a wife, to simply exist. 

Thankfully, I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life. I took time off from work to heal. Your Dad traded our partnership in and took on the burden of running the house solo. I found a therapist and began to unravel the reasons why I crumbled into a million pieces. Over several months she gave me the tools to rebuild my heart from scratch.  

One of the bigger topics we discussed were life values. One afternoon she asked me if there were any core values that I shaped my life around, and I couldn't give her a full answer. There were virtues or beliefs that I held which have shaped who I am, but to be able to name one or two words that reflect me at my core? It wasn't something I had considered. It took several sessions and many evenings of journaling, but I have found two words that I strive to live my life around. The first value is genuineness. 

Genuineness is one of the most important qualities I continually seek to live into. Remaining authentic and genuine has made me reevaluate friendships, habits, thought patterns and more. No longer do I try to make myself fit into boxes that do not serve me. I am continually retraining my brain to stop seeking acceptance in every room I enter. Who I am may not benefit every person I meet, and it doesn't have to. Having a "one size fits all" personality is exhausting, and using it as a barometer for acceptance was taxing to my mental health. 

Writing this makes it all sound very easy. But doing the work has been hard. It is so hard to fight the nagging questions of "Am I good enough?" Am I a good mother? Wife? Friend? Leader? Daughter? Am I fitting the mold that I feel people expect of me? I would be lying if I said I can confidently say that I am enough. I hope someday that I will believe it, but until then, I am clinging to remaining genuine and authentic. It is the path that has brought the most peace and joy into my life. 

My girls, someday you will walk into a room and wonder if you will be liked. You will question if you belong and if your value will hold up against judging eyes and hard earned opinions. Someday you may shape your world around a job, or a person, or an idea and make it your measure of worthiness. Someday that may all come crashing down. Despite all this, I want you to know that you belong. Whatever path you choose to walk on, know that the ground is sacred simply because you exist upon it.

You will still be enough on the days that life seems like a battle and you are a general with no army to lead. Know that you cannot make the world understand your song. Not everyone enjoys rock and roll. But if you remain true to the melody I promise you will find the people that cherish the music you make. Even now, everything the two of you do is pure magic. I love the way Posie eats apples like it is the most treasured delicacy she's experienced. I cherish the way Arlie will dance unabashedly without any music or need for applause. You are always, always enough. 

If you ever lose sight of who you are, I promise I will be there to cheer you on until you find your genuineness once more. 

Love, 

Your Mother