Arlie. Arliekins. Arliebun. Daughter.
This is your Dad, or Father, or Pops, or Papa, or Daddy, or Doof Monster, or whatever name you decide works best for you to call me. I can imagine the names we'll call each other over the course of our lives together.
Bookworm. Hard head. Princess. Elegant dancer of the hallway. Corgi Chomper. Wall drawer on-ner? Support beam. Beaming smiley face.
Bookworm. Hard head. Princess. Elegant dancer of the hallway. Corgi Chomper. Wall drawer on-ner? Support beam. Beaming smiley face.
Your Mom may not have observed it happening, but I think about you every single day. I think of you as a baby, small enough to fit in the crooks of my arm (I don't have to imagine much longer now). I imagine you as a little toddler, grabbing and biting and screaming because you have a voice, a beautiful voice and you want everyone to know how beautiful it is. And how deep it is. And how much like Mommy's it can be.
I think of you as a little girl, going to Kindergarten for the first time. Will I be attached to your side, like Grandpa was to me? And will you take after your Mom and I and wave the parents out the front door, already ready to be on your own?
I imagine you as you ask hard questions. Questions like why does God let people like Harvey Weinstein exist? (And assuming you are older and reading this you can feel free to google who Harvey Weinstein was) Why wouldn't my high school friends be my friends for the rest of my life? Why don't you and Mommy both believe in the same things? Or the classic, is Grandma crazy? (You get three choices and not one of them is wrong).
I'm so ready for every hard answer. For a long time Daddy was alone and by himself. And he liked it that way. He was in control of everything and only had to look after himself. He loved it. He knew all the answers to all his problems.
But I was wrong. The truth was I hated being alone. I had no friends and I didn't trust everything to the family I could reach out too. I was critical of everyone around me and critical of myself. Very critical of myself. I started realizing that no matter how many answers I thought I had it was much harder to actually apply them than to have them.
Then I met Mommy. And at first Daddy said, no, I have all the answers, I don't have any problems for you to solve. And then she said, cool, dude, but like, I was hoping you would just hug me. And I was like, no I'm completely happy on my own and self-fulfilling and awesome sauce. And she was like well then do you want to help me with this essay, and I was like FINE I LOVE YOU OKAY??!!
Because what I learned when your Mommy entered my life was that I was not happy being alone. I needed someone I could be myself with. I'd tried a few people before Mommy but each one wanted me to change. Mommy loved Daddy just the way Daddy was (okay, she'd probably still edit a couple of the paragraphs that make up my story, but still) and Daddy loved her.
Daddy was no longer by himself. He wasn't in control of everything. He had to look after himself and occassionally help Mommy look after herself. He didn't always love every second of it. He didn't always know the answers to either of their problems.
But his life was getting better. It wasn't perfect. We lived in a tiny little apartment and there was no room (imagine if you'd come then! We hardly fit in Grandpa's house now!). It was Mommy, Daddy, and Gatsby.
And Daddy had to help take care of Gatsby. And then we got Amira and had to take care of her. Then we moved into Grandpa's house and had to take care of it. And then we got Donut and had to take care of her.
Daddy grew into those responsibilities and each one made him realize how much being alone had sucked.
And Arlie, I know that when you get here its going to happen again. I'm going to realize how much our life: our beautiful, awesome, fulfilling life, which I've enjoyed every moment and every day and I feel way more happy than I've ever been, will be enriched by you being here. In some small ways, it already has.
It was a scramble to get ready for you. And now we are. In more ways than we realize, you're going to be one of the happiest pieces of our lives no matter what.
I love you Arlie. Arliekins. Arliebun.
Daughter.
Sincerely,
Dad (Father/Pops/Papa/Daddy/Doof Monster)
