Summer is almost over and the months are quickly ticking away. Before I know it you will be here and that is an exciting and terrifying thought. Lately I've been grappling with the idea of being a mother, and how that will work into the identity that I've created so far. What you don't know yet is that my identity is very important to me. It is something that I cherish and try so hard to protect. This is something I hope to pass on to you.
Today I turned 29, and it felt like a huge goal that I finally achieved. For some reason, I've had it in my head that I did not want to be 30 and childless. There's really no logical reason behind it, I simply kept nourishing the idea that if I had a child before I turned 30, I would truly be a woman. Honestly, now that I think on it, it is such a ridiculous notion. So much of who I am kept hinging on the fact that success would take the form of marriage and a baby. I suppose I am here to tell you that this is utter crap.
It's something that has been bothering me. Something that has been looming over me ever since I found out I was pregnant with you. I remember when I would tell people that I was expecting, I would always get the comment "Be ready to put yourself last. Motherhood is the best and worst job."
And I get that, to an extent. But what terrified me was the fact that people expected me to lose my entire identity once I became a mother and replace it with living solely for you. I didn't want to live like that, and it made me feel guilty when I would admit that.
I've spent a lot of time thinking it over and talking it over with your dad. I didn't want to be simply known as a mother. Some people do, and there's nothing wrong with that. But it wasn't for me. I was frustrated with the fact that so many men are fathers, but it isn't the first title used when people describe them. He's a insurance salesman. He's an avid soccer player. And he's a father of three. When I thought about it, I realized that I never heard this when it came to women. When asked to describe the women in my life, I found myself using the word mother first. I didn't want to give up my existence and center it solely around you. I didn't want to just live for you, I wanted to live in general.
I've learned now that it is entirely okay to want this. It doesn't make me selfish, or any less of a mother. In fact, I'm proud of it. I want you to have a mother that is fulfilled by multiple interests, people, and activities. I wouldn't get the same judgement if I told people I didn't want your dad to be the center of my life. In fact, if I did make him the reason for my existence, it would be entirely unhealthy and worrisome.
I will still put your life before mine. I will still sacrifice my needs before your own. But I choose to not base my existence on you, nor do I choose to find life's fulfillment in your life. You will be a puzzle piece of a large variety of things that bring me fulfillment. I don't want that pressure for you, nor do I want you to live a life like that.
I want you to realize that self-care is important. That taking breaks for people and groups is necessary for your mental health. I want you to know that you can only be good to others when you are first good to yourself. This is something I am still trying to learn.
There's a poem I love by Warsan Shire that says "you can't make homes out of human beings", and it's true. You have to make a home within yourself. People, memories, passions, talents, and interests can fill your home. But what if they leave? What happens? Nothing. You are still a home, strong and solid, and you are enough.
